Yesterday...

Yesterday made four months...Four months since I have heard her voice...four months since I've sat by her side and seen her smile...four months since I've kissed her on her cheek...

I cannot tell you the numerous times I've sat down and wanted to blog about losing the woman who helped shape me into the person I am today.  Everything in Fall 2012 seems like such a blur sometimes...Certainly a roller coaster of emotions.  I have seen through the valleys, and through the hills, that sometimes we cannot even grasp the wonder of our amazing Heavenly father.

In this post...I would like to take you on a trip through one of the valleys...possibly the hardest valley I have personally faced, in losing the grandmother who knew me better than I knew myself. There is a lot of the word 'me' and 'I'...but sometimes I have to so please forgive me if it sounds self-centered.

The picture above was taken at a cookout by a dear friend back in May.  This was our first 'pre-wedding' festivity, and although it was a lot of fun, the most treasured memory I walk away from that day with is this picture (thank you Kimberly).  Grandma and I had spent a better part of my grown-up years talking about what/who would make the perfect husband for me...Each time I listed my qualifications, she said the only way that would happen would be to marry a preacher...was she smart or what? :)  After our parents, she was the next one I wanted to show the ring off too and had to wait almost 24 hours to see her.  She was ecstatic for us and began looking her grandmother of the bride outfit shortly there after.

Late in summer of 2012 she continued going down hill with her health.  She was back and forth to doctors, in and out of the hospital and the nursing home.  So many times before we had had these long weeks of sitting by her side and waiting for her to come out on the other side, so many times we had wondered, would she?  I remember at some point on the, what seemed like hours long, drive home asking my brother how would we know when it was going to happen (knowing good and well he couldn't answer that).

The Fall of 2012 brought many changes for me, we were busy with wedding planning, I was moving and getting used to a new job, but I made it a point to visit her as much as I could.  I do not like to be morbid...so each time that mom asked me something about showing grandma my dress or having our picture taken I would see no need in it, because if there was going to be one person sitting at the front of that church on October 20th, it was going to be Grandma Batten ( I now see how selfish those thoughts were).

The closer the time came, and the sicker grandma became, I finally realized it wouldn't hurt anything to take a picture by, clear the room, and show her the bride-to-be, after all, I rather her see a picture, and see me in person on October 20th, than not see me at all.  Mom bought a nice frame and we wrapped up the gift.  I am a big baby when it comes to things like this so I asked mom to stay - a moment for the three of us.  We helped her open the gift and she started smiling from ear to ear.  She wasn't talking much that day, because she was just too tired, but she was so excited to see what I would look like on my special day. I wanted her to know as desperately as I wanted her there, that it was okay not to be.  She was so tired, and she had fought the good fight.

That day was the last time I saw her smile, the last time I heard her voice say to me, "Be happy Allison, just be happy."

The following Monday at work Jason was going to come help me after school, hes showed up, even when I told him not to, and got right to work, or maybe I should say I got right to barking out orders, but not until he came and sat in my office with me did I realize something was wrong.  They had taken grandma to the hospital and we were now playing the waiting game.  As we were at his house eating supper that night, the phone rang and my dad gave us the bad news, she had less than 24 hours left with us.  Within ten minutes my bags were packed and we were on the way to the ER at Wilson Med.  It was a big room, but crowded...Grandma had many family members who loved her and considering the circumstances, the hospital staff did everything they could to let us all stay with her while they prepared a room for her.  It was a long sleepless night of going in and out of her room..putting chap stick on her dry lips, talking to her, kissing her, praying, trying to rest on a couch that was only about three feet long...I wanted to be useful, I wanted to make a difference, I couldn't stand just waiting for her to let go.

Much to our surprise she made it through the night, and I found a way to be useful.  Jason and I would go pick Aunt Starr up from the airport.  I begged grandma to hang on until I got back with Aunt Starr, and kissed her, knowing that in the 2 - 3 hours I was gone she would probably pass, and she did.  I knew that there was a reason that I spent the night at the hospital and was actually not present for her passing.  Mom was the strong on, not me...Mom is the glue...Mom, granddad, & Uncle Lee spent her final moments with her.

The days that followed were long and crowded with family, friends, strangers, and more food than we could eat...Her service brought a packed house, hundreds of people who loved her, and she had made a difference in their lives.  My brother did an amazing job delivering her eulogy (something she had asked him to do years ago).  She was so organized (that's the teacher blood in her) about leaving a plan...Many notebooks including her funeral plans and letters written to each of us.  We called this, her final lesson plan.

The days to follow since then have been hard.  With her passing one month before the wedding it was easy to completely immerse myself into planning, and to continue adjusting to my 'new normal'.  I got so sick of hearing people say that - new normal - life without grandma could be anything but normal, however the more time that passes the more I understand what they mean, and the more I am learning to love 'my new normal'. Don't get me wrong, I miss her terribly, some days much worse than others, but I have a peace knowing she is no longer suffering...The image of her running on streets of gold makes me giggle...And yes I think she would be running - because when was was mobile she was always busy.  She had the chance to meet her first great grandchild...and she had the peace of knowing that her granddaughter was happy and marrying the man of her dreams, which yes indeed, is a preacher.